“We were sitting on the couch apart watching mtv base and suddenly i wanted him.”
For an opening sentence, the above falls somewhere below zero. Some of the fault lies in the punctuation, but even correctly punctuated, the total lack of imagination or intrigue is unredeemable.
Late Mr J.D Appiagyei, Mrs Odiaka, and Miss Teboh would continue to rank high on the list of the greatest people I’ve ever met. My English Language teachers. The people that taught me that the opening line is everything in an essay. It is what makes the reader go on. It is the trigger. They also taught that punctuation and stress points are extremely important. That sentence up there? Everything is wrong with it, even something so elementary as the lack of capitalization of ‘mtv base’. Sad, very, sad. The way I see it, the writer probably had equally good teachers, she was just too busy thinking of the next boy she’d shag to pay attention in class. “Suddenly, suddenly suddenly suddenly!” *in D’banj’s voice*
“didn’t even mind that it could destroy something in my throat, I just wanted to give him more and more pleasure.”
I can’t even deal. Destroy something in my throat? As in trauma? As in a hard, blunt object? Or a sharp object? I had to pause and wonder about the writer’s educational level. Even my 15 year old brother would never frame that in that way. One can’t even categorize it as Nigerian English. It’s just some funny sounding something…
“Stood up and led him to one of the dinning chairs, made him sit and sat on him again, this time I could feel almost all of him inside me and it felt so grrrrrr.”
LMFAO! When I read this part, I remembered when back in school, someone would shout “Greatest Lions and Lionesses!” And the response would be a roar, such as we could imitate. Now, this ‘grrrrrr’, not quite a roar. More like a dog’s growl. It appears to be fitting. Yes, quite fitting. The writer felt so grrrrr, she couldn’t even spell ‘dining’ correctly. I would too if it were me. Hehehehehehe
“we both started moving slowly simultaneously in and out of each other.”
Honest to God, I was impressed. Basic sex education led me to believe that one person had all the in and out movement. I’ve been tutored otherwise now. It’s quite possible both ways. He goes inside her, she goes inside him! Splendid!
“the chair was filled with liquid and it didn’t come from him so I guess I came again and again, lost count.”
I’m assuming the chair is somehow container-like, because I don’t know how else it could possibly be ‘filled’ with liquid. A chair? That’s just wrong. It’s libel. And against a poor chair too. Whatever did the weak, defenseless, inanimate object do to you? And the liquid in question? I’m guessing pee. Ka-ching! Congratulations, the correct answer! You’ve won yourself twenty thousand naira! Thank you for coming to the show! 😉
“I was so exhausted at this point, got off him, went to the couch and sort of laid on it from behind with my bum facing him.”
Anyone that can actually explain this statement is a genius, and deserves a Nobel prize. ‘Laid’ (shudder, a chicken too, not only a dog) on it from BEHIND, with my bum facing him. Nah. She gotta be an alien. I’m not sure even a gymnast can achieve quite that level of contortion. Grrrrrr
“he eventually got the message and came at me from behind and started thrusting left and right, up and down. I could feel him everywhere in my tummy,”
I was right with the alien bit. Left and right, up and down! My goodness! I must have missed some things during anatomy lectures, or someone is lying. I rather thought the tummy is quite different from the pelvis. Now that I’ve been disavowed, I see that the guy’s schtick could have been in her urethra, her rectum, duodenum, and even her stomach! I hope it didn’t get to the pyloric cap o! But mehn, you have to agree, she’s a walking miracle. All that shagging in her abdomen and she still walks around. Or is this what they call a ‘writer’s license’? (๏̯๏)
“He picked me up, carried me to the bed, then we cuddled and I passed out.”
I ignored a part so that I could just give my opinion on the less than satisfactory ending. Of course she passed out! After all those questionable gymnastics! Who wouldn’t? I would have liked to see something like ‘I floated off into another world’…you know….LMFAO!!!!
One last thing. Paragraphing is essential. I thought everyone learnt that in Grade 4.
Now I’m more or less done with the literary critique, I have to include the comments. Honest fact is, when I read the writeup, I was blank. Like, (๏̯๏). I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept. Then the comments….oh, the comments…
“LOOOOOOL! This has got to be the best Comic Relief of the Month. “Grrrrr”, That’s how your man’s D**kfeels? Oh my! Humans are really evolving. MTV Base triggered all these ‘actions’. The ‘Left and Right, Up and Down’ movement(s). I think I’ve been watching the wrong MTV Base for years now. You cuddled and passed out. My GF won’t pass out IJN.”
“*Sigh *, you need help , foolish blog , foolish imagination , foolish time wasted , total foolishness , in fact calling this foolish is an abuse to the word foolish! Rubbish!”
“Its Like You Eat Too Much Sardines… You Have A Fish Brain!! This Is A Bloody Waste Of Time & Effort”
“Lmaooooo mbanu mbanu oye ke do better. Na blog be this. #teamhiaan”
I especially loved the #teamhiaan! Looooooool!
“I did better in my 250 words essays inprimary school on How I Spent My Last Holiday than you did in 5 yawn inducing paragraphs. This is a total “F”. Do you even read bruh?”
“ASUU. Readers gotta sue you for this.”
And this one totally killed it!
“This is poo poo. Your post is smelling. Stop it.”
“Cool, this is bad, quite bad. There’s hope, if you decide to learn from scratch.
For one, heard of “punctuations”? You might wanna learn about how they work.
“In and out of each other” has to be the most queer phrase ever, don’t get me started on “unclenching and clenching…”
Next time, read what you wrote aloud and also have someone who has knowledge of English, proofread it for you.
Also, there are many other ways of telling the public you know of the word “straddled” than using a blog.
Finally, the most realistic advice for you would be “STOP WRITING and do something else”
But then, who says you can’t be goodat some point? Not me!
Read(English books), use your imagination more (this piece lacked any iota of imagination), learn punctuations, be realistic.
NB: you know those friends you showed this post before you uploaded it, who advised you to stickwith it and post it? Yeah? They’re not your friends.
Actually, the best comment of all? That person that just typed ‘KHONA’ and left! It was so apt, I wish I’d thought of it myself! 😀
I laughed so much yesterday, I started crying and my eyes got quite red. It was that bad! I was gasping for breath and banging my fists on the floor. Oh, MTV Base, see what you caused us poor unsuspecting Nigerians.
I gotta get serious for a while, ignore the literary mistakes, and instead critique the morality. I’ve said before, that girls who write, think, behave so sexual are sick. I mean clinically ill. It’s nymphomania. Yes, it is. Ladies don’t sit down and pen their sexcapades. We all agree that fornication is a sin. If for some reason, you can’t overcome temptation, must you tell the whole world about it? This is something you’d feel ashamed to tell your parents, to confess to your priest, but somehow, it’s great for a blog post and twitter. This thing is getting out of hand. This blatant sexuality. This whoredom. If any girl disagrees with me, she should go have tea with her parents and start discussing her sexual escapades. In such detail. Yes. Even our parents find it difficult to discuss sex with us, to educate us. But, hey, it’s the 21st century, and every 15 year old girl spills out words that would shock an old-time prostitute. That’s how that one’s towel avatar hung my phone for over 5 minutes yesterday, until I gave in and just did a hard reset. Do your parents know you’re this stupid? I have to ask. I’m so glad for our parents that the internet allows us our anonymity. Yes. Because if not, a lot of surnames are going to be smeared. With ‘poo poo’.
I want to offend o! Yes, I want to. If being offended will snap people out of being slutty, then good! Let them be. Stop it! Just stop it! It is people like you that make it so difficult for the rest of us to be normal girls. Everything we do is a struggle because everyone expects us to be slutty and dirty to get ahead! I doubt very much that this is what your parents had in mind at your birth. Ahnahn! I know this is not what God has in mind. Making yourself a whore is not an achievement. These days girls like to be addressed as ‘hoe’ and ‘bitch’. My days! The world is quite insane!!! I suppose on that last day, when God asks you what you did with your talents, you’d say, “I was screwable”
If out of some sense of misplaced loyalty, someone decides to spew vitriol in my comment section or my twitter mentions, it will go bad for that person. If you want to champion the broad, do it elsewhere. But if you’re really retarded and you still want to try it, go ahead. I doubt I’d have to say anything myself.
As far as this article is concerned, I have nothing personal against the girl. I’m a critic and editor, I had to do my job. It’s a perk that I enjoyed doing it. No, it’s no publicity stunt. I especially hate bad publicity. This is for her and her ilk. Everyone that thinks being a ‘hoe’ is an achievement, this is for you. I can’t imagine news getting to my family that I wrote porn on the ‘net. *shudder* The kind of things that make people proud these days though.
Since the post brought Nollywood and their shoddiness to mind, I decided to title my critique ‘Fireworks Part 2’, in honor of the all-round mediocrity. Purely genius idea, I tell ya!
Now, back to the good life. I wrote a story yesterday, STING, and from all the reviews, it’s awesome. It’s not quite grrrrrr, but then I wasn’t particularly aiming for that. I’m a Lioness, a Super-Lioness I mean. We roar, we don’t growl. (•ˆ⌣ˆ•)
Hey…I’m a nice girl. Very nice. I just have a propensity to hit the nail on the head, go straight to the point, go against convention, and SAY THE TRUTH! Life is harsh enough without stupid lies and deceptions making things harder. So there.
😀 This post is too long by every standard, but there was a lot to write. x_x. Have a nice day people! GRRRRR!